MARTYRS READING MY SUPERPOWER

When I was young I dreamt of being a Super Hero with incredible super powers,

hell even today as an adult I find myself imagining what it would be like to manifest

unfathomable energy from within my being, raise my hands to the air and propel myself

into the sky, flying at mach 5 across the universe.

I am no hero nor do I posses superpowers but in my life I have given witness to

fearless heroics and powerful acts in humanity that have inspired me to be a better

man and attempt to inspire others as well.

July 27th 2019 - The San Francisco air was cool and matched the water

temperature of the bay...56 degrees. Fog loomed and the sky was a muted grey. At

approximately 9:30 am PST, off the shore of the infamous prison Alcatraz, I dove from

the side of a tour boat that was carrying 850 swimmers and entered the bay without a

wetsuit, my body covered in the names of 150 Cancer Warriors...this was my Tribute. I

paddled idly for 15 minutes waiting for the entirety of competitors to enter the water.

As time ticked on my body temperature began to drop and by the time the race

had begun I was already cold to the core, teeth chattering, body quivering. A horn

sounded signaling the start and a thunderous mob of nervous and excited athletes

exploded forward toward the shores of San Fran. Bodies were everywhere and limbs

and water seem to be flung about like shrapnel. Each swim stroke forward was cut

short due to a body in the front, side, and rear, each breath to the side was obstructed

by another swimmers splash or arm entering the water near the face.

For a moment a female swimmer was directly to my side and we were in perfect

unison - stroke for stroke, breath for breath. I remember watching her and feeling a

moment of ease, and thought to myself I can stay with this and I felt a sense of

comfortability being beside her. A smile showed itself on my face and I felt confident. It

was exactly at this moment of comfort that a shocking jolt brought me back to an icy,

chaotic reality. A hand grabbed my right ankle and jerked me back down into the water

in mid breath, mid stroke. The fear alone was enough to put my body in a new sense of

angst. When I breached the surface my counterpart, whom I had felt my comfort was

lost in the progressive wall of splashing water thrust by the feet of 850 swimmers

kicking in a fury.

I had to find a new mantra and a new way for me to stay “in the zone” so one by

one I began to say the warriors names on my back. I remembered those who had

passed away after their battles and those who were still in the fight. I thought of the

messages I had received over the past few months and the stories people had shared

with me as they gave me the names of those they loved. Name by name, soul by soul,

stroke by stroke I continued on.

“Find the joy.” I said to myself over and over trying to forget the pain. As I neared

the mile mark of the 1.5 mile swim I began to notice a change in my awareness and

thoughts. My vision began to alter and with each breath, as I looked out at the bay, my

world began to violently swirl to blur. I couldn’t feel my arms as the dug into the sea

and my legs seemed to swell and anchor me backwards. I barely had enough time in

this moment to even realize what was happening - I was going hyperthermic and my

body was going into shock. In a delirious state I continued to swim forward until a man

who was completely lost in the water cut in front of me forcing me to stop in my tracks

so as not to collide. It was this action that set off a chain of events that would prove

crippling. My abdomen began to contract and my air was constricted. The sound that

came from mouth was a deafening moan of pain and anguish. From my toes to my

head my body constricted inward. It was as if I was giving birth, my body experiencing

full contractions. I looked out into the mess of water, bodies and kayaks and it all

began to vanish before my eyes and in that, the final act of my will was the raising of

my right arm toward the east and everything went black.

My body temperature was 79 degrees when I was pulled from the San Francisco

bay. My eyes pierced shut in pain, my mouth foaming and slurring as my face

trembled uncontrollably. My body convulsing and contracting in hysteria. The

paramedics later said that it was everything I could do to murmur my own name just

one time during the wailing and writhing of shock.

My eyes didn’t open again until I was in the ER and being warmed by a plastic

suit filled with hot air and as they did tears filled them and overflowed down my cheeks

in complete and utter sadness. I had failed I thought, I had let down not only myself but

100s of amazing human beings and souls who deserved better than what I had given

them. I was distraught and humiliated. My immediate reaction was that it would have

been better to die in the water than to be where I was now...in a hospital ...defeated.

It took nearly a month for me to wrap my head around that day, that race, that

moment I raised my hand for help. Many nights staring out into the stars asking for the

reason, the answer, and the direction in which I should turn. The abundance of support

filled my heart with love and allowed me to see just how powerful this event was to so

many people. Their loved ones were in living action as they swam with me across the

bay, and what better way to be honored. And it was in that I found my purpose and my

mission. I said I wanted to suffer, to do something I might not be able to complete yet my

head lowered as I actually accomplished exactly what I had set out to do...suffer as

way to pay tribute to the suffering. I see now that a gold medal or first place finish may

not have served me as well as the reality I now understand. If suffering is what I seek

than I cannot wane in the wake of the suck.

The very instant I was released from the hospital I immediately signed up for

next years Alcatraz swim, the NON WETSUIT category again. I will swim this race every

year for the rest of my life and while I learned valuable lessons from this first attempt I

will not be dismayed if every year I am pulled from the water in pain. I am committed

to the suffering and what better way to suffer than to fail and keep going.

My goal is to find other cancer survivors like me to join me in this cause so that

each year there will be more and more warriors being remembered, honored and kept

alive. I am not a Super Hero who can leap buildings in single bound but If I was I see

that suffering would be my superpower and a way for me to die proud.

Aug 28th 2019

Braulio Fonseca

-BFonck